I have been thinking a lot recently about the difference between vulnerability and oversharing. For the past few years, I have taken pride in my ability to be authentic and vulnerable with many people, but I have begun to wonder about the line between sharing openly and sharing too much. Is there a point where my desire to share becomes a pretense for creating connection that simply isn’t there? And with whom should I share vulnerable aspects of my life, and for what purpose?

Last month, I went through a breakup, and I found myself dealing with an immense amount of hurt, anger, heartbreak, and grief. I opened up to friends and family about my pain, sharing vulnerably and authentically without much regard for how my words impacted my ex-partner or the people around me. When acquaintances would ask me how I was, as a matter of American politeness, I would state “I am not great, going through a breakup”, and this often led to an awkward silence, followed by an “oh, I am sorry”. I sent long voice messages to friends as I was sobbing in my room, not even thinking to first ask those friends if they had the bandwidth to support me in that moment. If I imbibed any amount of alcohol, I would often let my hurt and sadness pour out of me and spill onto any friend who was around me, regardless of our relationship closeness. When people would comment on semi-cryptic stories I posted on Instagram, I would sometimes spill my heart out without even thinking about how my words impacted the unsuspecting person on the other end.

A week ago, I saw a post on Instagram that discussed the differences between oversharing and vulnerability, and it made me stop in my tracks. Oversharing lacks boundaries and often occurs when we do not think of the context of the relationship, and it fabricates a false sense of intimacy. Vulnerability, on the other hand, shows an awareness of the relationship by being selective about who should know what, and it is cultivated over time with the intention of creating a genuine connection.

Reading this post, my heart dropped, and I felt a surge of shame rush into my cheeks, heart, and stomach. I overshare. I have been oversharing about my breakup, causing harm to my ex-partner by exposing too much about our relationship and to those who have inadvertently been hit with my emotional whirlwind without being given the opportunity to state a boundary. My desire for emotional validation has led me to overshare. I wanted so desperately to be seen and heard, and I let my emotions drag me in the pursuit of inauthentic connection that felt good in the moment.

Looking back on the last four weeks, I can see how I allowed my hurt, anger, and sadness to overtake my ability to discern who I should share what with and when I should share such things. I allowed my thoughts to run wild with abandon, becoming words that I spoke freely, without sensitivity for the impact such words had. I wish I could turn back time and remind myself to think before I speak, to remember that words have power and the ability to cause harm to others. I feel ashamed for some of the things that I have said in fits of emotional turmoil.

As a therapist, I personally and professionally understand that shame thrives in silence. To combat shame, I must forgive myself for the times that I have overshared and work to become more cognizant of what I choose to share and with whom. Shame told me to not write a blog post about oversharing, because it is embarrassing and scary to be vulnerable like this, but I know that I am a flawed human working to become more aware of how my actions impact others. I know that other people out there overshare, and I hope that in reading this, they too start to think about the difference between vulnerability and oversharing. I will strive to be more cognizant of my underlying reasons for sharing certain things, and I will take a moment to check in with myself before sharing something vulnerable with another person. I want to ask permission to share with others before just blurting something out, as it is important to give people the opportunity to state a boundary.

I still believe that being an authentic and honest human being is a beautiful aspect of my personality, but I need to remind myself that it is okay to hold certain things close to my heart, to pick and choose who I let in and who I keep at a farther distance. I can embody my authentic self without revealing my heart and soul to every person who asks how I am doing. I can share my emotional state without going into detail. This will be a practice for me, but I look forward to this journey. I have already noticed the growth that has come from confronting this side of myself that has believed that oversharing equates to vulnerability. And I am working to forgive myself for oversharing in the past. To those of you out there who also overshare, I hope that this blog post spurs self-reflection. There is solidarity in our shared human experience, and I am with you on this journey.