I am Seeing I am Healing

 

If you had told me last year at this time that I would experience one of the worst bouts of anxiety and depression of my life, I would have looked at you incredulously and laughed. I was in a happy partnership trying a new relationship style for the first time, I went to Burning Man and overcame so many challenges, I felt so excited to be shuffle dancing and working towards licensure as a therapist, and I was immersed in building a community that lit me up with joy.

Fast forward three months, and I began to experience hypervigilance, anxiety, and insecurity in my relationship, but rather than listen to my gut instincts, I shoved them down and tried to be the “cool girl” who was willing to put in the work to stay in a relationship that was causing me pain. Fast forward another month, and I experienced almost weekly meltdowns and bouts of rumination so intense that I would lay awake all night, spiraling. Almost three months later, I initiated a breakup conversation that was five months overdue.

In the past, when I have experienced breakups, I have cried my eyes out for a few days, the heartache has lasted a few weeks to a month, my anger has often lingered for many months, and I have moved on with little consequence, my gratitude for a new chapter growing. Not this time. For two months, I pined and wallowed, unwilling to let the memory of cherished moments leave my thoughts. I ruminated about all my pain, the hypervigilance still present even after the relationship ended. I tried to be friends, hoping that we would get back together one day soon. I screamed so loudly in the car once after running into my ex that I lost my voice. I drank too much and stayed out too late. I often lay in bed until the afternoon on weekends, curtains drawn so that light could not enter my cave. I overexercised as a respite from depression. I didn’t eat enough because my anxiety made hunger disappear.

And then I found out something that made me seethe red with rage. I blocked numbers, unfollowed social media accounts, smashed pottery, burned letters, and removed memories. I felt anger like I had never felt before, and it felt damn good. Until it didn’t. I found myself at a low place that I never thought I would experience. I didn’t want to exist anymore. I wanted all of my pain, my hurt, my anger, my sadness, my hopelessness to just go away. I was done feeling stuck. I didn’t have a plan to harm myself, but I was exhausted by over six months of this seemingly never-ending cycle of crap. My nervous system was a mess.

On this Saturday night at 10:30pm, when I spiraled and wanted to just stop existing, I decided to call trusted friends, hoping that someone would pick up. Thankfully, a dear friend answered the phone and listened while I sobbed. She created space for all of my hopelessness and pain, and in doing so, she made me feel less alone. I have so much gratitude for this friend for being there for me in such a dark time. I know it was challenging for her to witness me in that space, but her presence calmed me down and got me into bed that night.

The next morning, I reached out to another friend, also a therapist, and asked if he had the space to sit with me in my dark place. This friend consented, and he held me in his arms for three hours while I cried. His ability to witness my pain, his words of wisdom, and his gentle touch helped calm my nervous system and brought a sense of stability and hope that I desperately needed.

I am so proud of myself for picking up the phone and reaching out to my community that weekend. It scares me that I got to that horrible, dark place, and I honestly feel nervous to share this blog post with my community, but I believe it is imperative to talk about suicidal ideation. The fact that I called my experience “not wanting to exist” instead of suicidal ideation, and the fact that it took me three months to write this blog, speaks to the shame and secrecy surrounding this topic.

I am sharing this with you all not so you can pity me, but so you can better understand that suicidal ideation and depression can exist in those who outwardly appear bubbly, outgoing, and highly functional. I am so grateful to be in a much healthier and happier mental headspace than I was in June, but my healing journey has been anything but quick and easy. And yet, it has given me so much compassion and empathy for those who struggle with depression and suicidal ideation. This experience has taught me so much about myself, and I will continue to do the work to balance my nervous system by seeing a therapist regularly, by treating my body with kindness, and by surrounding myself with people who make me feel grounded rather than unstable.

I recently wrote a song about this journey. A section goes:

I’ve suffered enough, it’s time to focus on self-love

I am healing, I am healing

I am seeing, I am seeing

Patterns in my mind, that keep me stuck inside

I am seeing I am healing

If you are struggling with suicidal ideation, you can call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or the mental health crisis line in Santa Cruz County at 800-952-2335