Art by Susan Wilkinson
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how things shift when we’re in a romantic relationship. It’s fascinating how easily the lines between what I need and what they need get blurred. Differentiation—the ability to hold onto your own sense of self while staying connected to your partner—can get really tricky. It sounds simple, but it’s something that can quietly slip away without us even realizing.
Take this for example: When I’m single, I feel so secure in who I am. I know my values, I feel good about my personality, and I move through the world with a sense of independence. But once I enter a relationship, things start to shift. Suddenly, I’m questioning myself. I wonder if my partner finds me too loud or too high-energy. I start thinking, “Maybe I need to tone it down a bit to make them happy.” I start deferring to their preferences, questioning my own values, and tip-toeing around my needs.
Sound familiar?
When I’m single, I’m confident and strong-willed. I trust my ability to think for myself. But when I’m in a relationship, I notice myself saying, “What do you think?” instead of, “What do I think?” I want to do what they want, and I start to prioritize their needs over mine. And when I do have needs, I tend to mask them, convincing myself it’s easier to just let them decide, or I backpedal on my needs if they are met with any resistance from a partner.
And, sure, in the moment, that seems like the path of least resistance—but it doesn’t work out so well in the long run.
What is Differentiation?
Differentiation is about more than just knowing what you need versus what your partner needs. Martha Kauppi describes it as the ability to hold onto your own self, your thoughts, and your desires while still being connected to your partner. It’s the ability to stand on your own two feet without losing your balance just because you’re in a relationship. It is the skill of holding steady in your needs and communicating them clearly even if they are upsetting to your partner.
Photo by Everton Vila
In my practice and personal life, I’ve noticed that many people, myself included, struggle with differentiation. It’s a lot easier to defer to a partner and avoid rocking the boat, or to say a little white lie or backpedal to try and soften the blow. Let’s be honest, it can feel uncomfortable to say, “Hey, I really don’t want to go to dinner with your parents tonight—I have plans with friends that I’ve been looking forward to.” Instead, it feels safer to say, “Oh, my friends are counting on me, so I can’t make it.” The difference? In the first example, you’re owning your desires and taking responsibility for your needs. In the second, you’re placing the blame elsewhere, dodging accountability.
It feels easier in the moment, but this avoidance has long-term consequences.
The Costs of Not Differentiating
When we aren’t honest about our needs, we create distance, not connection. We’re not just skirting an uncomfortable conversation; we’re also sowing seeds of resentment and mistrust. Over time, this leads to one person feeling like they’re always the one giving up their needs, and the other person sensing that something’s off but not really understanding why.
I’ve seen this dynamic play out with many couples in therapy. When one partner consistently defers, or doesn’t communicate honestly, their sense of self gets watered down. They might say “yes” to everything, but inside they’re feeling frustrated and disconnected. Their partner, meanwhile, may be wondering why things feel strained even though there’s been no big fight.
This kind of imbalance isn’t sustainable. And the reality is, avoiding discomfort now only leads to more discomfort later.
Photo by Andrik Langfield
How Differentiation Can Transform Your Relationships
The good news? There’s another way. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
Differentiation requires taking a hard look at what you want and being brave enough to communicate it to your partner, even when it’s uncomfortable. It means being honest, not just for the sake of your own well-being but for the health of your relationship. I won’t sugarcoat it—it’s tough. I’ve fallen into the trap of avoiding the conversation and deferring to a partner more times than I can count, and I know that partners have done the same to me. But every time I’ve taken a deep breath, stood firm in my desires, and communicated them openly, it’s strengthened my relationships.
Photo by Anna Selle
We build trust when we’re honest about what we want. It’s not about being selfish or making demands. It’s about showing up authentically and giving our partners the opportunity to do the same.
I’ve seen the difference it makes both in my clients’ relationships and in my own. The more we practice differentiation, the more resilient we become—both individually and as a couple.
So, take a moment to check in with yourself: Are you owning your desires and needs in your relationship? Or are you deferring and hoping it will all work out on its own? Differentiation doesn’t mean creating distance—it means finding a way to stay connected without losing yourself in the process.
For further reading on differentiation, check out Martha Kauppi’s three part series:
If you want to learn more about setting healthy boundaries in your relationships, check out my last blog post!
Leave A Comment