I have been thinking a lot recently about the word “objectification” and what it means for me as I explore what makes me feel beautiful in my body. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, “objectify” means “to treat as an object or cause to have objective reality; to give expression to (something, such as an abstract notion, feeling, or ideal) in a form that can be experienced by others”. I have spent my life trying to live up to the ideals and standards of (White) beauty set forth by the beauty industry, Hollywood, and social media. I have treated my body as an object to be molded, painted, shaved, and sculpted into submission. I have often felt like I was looking down at my body from above, critiquing and criticizing and shaming it as if I was some omnipresent and omnipotent creator intent on building a perfect specimen for male desire.

I struggled with exercise addiction and was told “how lucky” I was to have this obsession. I received the most compliments about my body when I was in an abusive relationship and under so much stress that I stopped eating enough food. Friends and strangers called me “golden goddess” when my skin was tan, which led me to believe that my natural skin color was ugly, thus contributing to the development of an unhealthy obsession with tanning.

I have been working to undo the damage that overexercise, undereating, and compulsive tanning has caused my body. To accomplish this enormous feat, I am slowly learning to change my self-talk and subjectify–rather than objectify–my body. Instead of dissecting my body as parts of an unsatisfactory whole, I am exploring my curves, wrinkles, freckles, muscles, and fat with compassion and curiosity. I am centering myself as an intelligent, athletic, kind, and empathetic human being rather than an object meant for consumption of the patriarchy. My body exists to climb mountains, run on trails, share deep conversations with friends, connect with my clients, and explore this beautiful earth. Most of all, my body enables me to love wholeheartedly, and this cannot happen if I do not love myself.

I have decided to share this with you all not because I have achieved complete body-acceptance and self-love, but because being authentic and vulnerable is what is most needed as we work to deconstruct patriarchal systems of oppression. To live in our beautiful bodies enthusiastically and without shame, we need to build a community of authenticity, support, and unconditional love.

Please feel free to comment and share if this resonates with you.

A photo of a young woman is standing indoors in front of a purple door, smiling at the camera. She is dressed in hiking attire, wearing a red long-sleeve shirt, blue leggings, hiking boots, and a colorful fanny pack. She also has a backpack on and appears ready for an outdoor adventure. The room has yellow walls and tile flooring, creating a bright, warm atmosphere.

Looks can be deceiving. This photo was taken right before a two-month trip to Europe after finishing my undergraduate degree. I was the thinnest I have ever been (129 lbs, to be exact, which I was very proud of), I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, and I was chronically stressed from overworking and overexercising. To be honest, I still think I look amazing in this photo, even though I know I was unhealthy and unhappy. Just goes to show I have more healing work to do.