The Inner Family You Didn’t Know You Had: A Guide to Internal Family Systems

In traditional psychology, we’re often taught to see the mind as singular—one unified voice that should “make up its mind” or “figure itself out.” This is known as the mono-mind perspective, the idea that we should have one clear, rational sense of self. When you, say, blow up at your partner during a conflict, the mono-mind perspective might say that you simply lost control, acted irrationally, or need to “do better” next time. It assumes that there is one singular you making all the decisions. But if you’ve ever felt torn during a conflict—hurt and sad toward your partner while also feeling defensive and angry—you know the mind is anything but simple.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) challenges the mono-mind perspective by recognizing that we all have multiple parts within us, each with its own thoughts, emotions, and motivations. Some parts are protectors, working hard to keep us safe from pain or rejection—perhaps by shutting down emotions, avoiding conflict, or striving for perfection. Other parts carry deep emotional wounds, holding onto fear, shame, or sadness from past experiences. Rather than seeing these inner conflicts as a problem, IFS encourages us to approach them with curiosity and compassion.

In IFS, we work to understand and build a relationship with these parts—not to get rid of them, but to bring them into balance with greater compassion and self-leadership. By exploring these internal dynamics, we can heal old wounds, shift unhelpful patterns, and move through life with more clarity, confidence, and connection.

At the core of this model is the Self, the calm, wise, and compassionate center of who we are. When we learn to lead with Self-energy rather than being dominated by our parts, we can navigate life with greater clarity, confidence, and connection. Instead of trying to silence or fight against certain thoughts and feelings, IFS teaches us to listen to them, understand their roles, and help them heal—so that all parts of us can work together rather than against each other.

IFS has been one of the most impactful approaches I’ve used in my work, helping clients make sense of their struggles in a way that feels compassionate rather than critical. Many of the challenges that bring people to therapy—overthinking, difficulty setting boundaries, struggles with intimacy—are actually protective responses developed over time often as survival strategies from earlier experiences.

Rather than trying to push these parts away or silence them, IFS invites us to slow down and listen. What are these parts afraid of? What are they working so hard to protect? How old do they think you are? What would they rather be doing if they weren’t stuck in the role that they currently occupy? Through this process, we start to build a new relationship with ourselves—one rooted in self-compassion, trust, and a sense of inner leadership. When we stop seeing our struggles as problems to fix and start understanding them as parts to nurture, real transformation becomes possible.