I have been thinking a lot recently about dating and relationships in my generation, about the challenges of finding lasting love in a world that tells us we should seek perfection. Dating apps give us so many options, and just like when we get overwhelmed at the supermarket trying to decide between 17 different types of toilet paper, having the ability to just swipe right or left on an infinite number of potential suitors is both exhausting and sometimes paralyzing. It’s the paradox of choice.

I was recently listening to the On Purpose podcast with Jay Shetty, and he was interviewing renowned couple’s therapist Esther Perel. In this episode, discussing the intersection of dating and technology, Perel states that “in search of the perfect, people are no longer happy with the good”, that they date “with a checklist” so “many dating experiences are like job interviews.” Perel muses over this idea that “we have people looking for a soulmate on an app, an interesting combination between spirituality and capitalism” and “the stuff that people looked for in the realm of the divine, they now want with a person.”

In my cusp-millennial generation, I have a sea of amazing, talented, growth-minded, passionate, and hardworking friends who are single, who struggle to find and keep relationships. I myself have struggled throughout my twenties to keep relationships going for more than a year or two at best. A part of me thinks that my generation is simply more attuned to our needs in partnership, which makes finding a suitable partner more challenging because we are more aware of red flags, dealbreakers, and emotional unavailability. But another part of me wonders if something else might be going on. Is our generation so focused on finding perfection, on checking off all the boxes of an arbitrary list, that we are unable to handle the ambiguity, compromise, or relational conflict that is inherent in long-term relationships? Are we choosing to end relationships that are “good enough” in search of perfection that simply does not exist?

In another episode of the On Purpose podcast, psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb shares her two cents on the dating world of today. She notes that people nowadays “have this idea that they are shopping for someone.” She proclaims “if you enjoy their company, if you feel heard and understood, you feel safe, you’re having fun, you’re not settling! All the rest is just noise.” Looking into my own dating history, I realize that I’ve had moments where I felt like I was settling for someone because they did not check all the boxes on my mental “perfect partner” list. When I analyze this checklist, I realize that I am putting myself on a pedestal and potential partners into the pit (as my personal therapist would say to me), because the checklist criterion sound awfully similar to my own personality characteristics! Essentially, I am categorizing my personality, my hobbies, and my interests as superior. In doing this, I am reinforcing the notion that I will not be happy unless I can find a partner who is just like me.

Do I want to date myself? Heck no! I want to find a partner who will balance my personality, but the modern dating world makes it seem like perfection is just a few swipes away. Why settle for good when you could find better if you just keep looking? Relationships are hard. It is frustrating to not always get our way, to meet in the middle and work through tough arguments and meld different lifestyles together in a cohesive fashion, but that is what is necessary. The people I know who have been together for years talk about how things get tough, people get angry and build resentment, but they make a conscious and concerted effort to work through these challenges as a team.

Photo of a couple is sitting on a bench outdoors, both looking down with a somber expression. The woman rests her head on the man's shoulder and has her hand gently on his arm, offering comfort. The man, wearing a mustard yellow sweater, appears deep in thought while holding his hands together. The woman, dressed in a beige cardigan and gray top, shows support as they sit quietly together in a peaceful park setting.As a relationship therapist, I see firsthand the struggles that romantic partners are working through. I see the anger, resentment, and hurt, but I also see the love, commitment, and desire to keep the relationship afloat amid challenge. I see couples who are willing to get curious about how they show up in arguments, who want to learn how to become more vulnerable with each other, who want to improve their communication skills so that they don’t hurt their partners. This gives me hope for my own future, but it is also a reminder that relationships are work. They re-open attachment injuries, childhood wounds, and they expose parts of ourselves that we would often much rather keep buried within. But there is beauty in this struggle.

While a part of me is worried that I will never find a partner who is willing to get muddy and sticky and curious and vulnerable with me, another part recognizes that maybe I have been afraid of truly opening up in my own past relationships. If I hesitate to show my authentic self with a partner, why should I expect them to be authentic with me? In my personal therapy, I have been working to uncover parts of myself that have tried to protect me from relational hurt by placing blockades in front of my more vulnerable parts. My cool girl part (aptly named from a brilliant monologue in Gillian Flynn’s novel, Gone Girl) tries to protect me from feeling rejected by romantic partners by playing low-maintenance, chill, and down-for-anything. Cool girl thinks that a perfect partnership should be easygoing, that I should simply accept my partner just as they are and never try to challenge their opinions and preferences. Cool girl serves a purpose, but she also keeps me from expressing my needs with partners for fear of being viewed as high-maintenance.

Whether the dating challenges that I personally experience and that I see in my community are a symptom of dating-app culture, unrealistic expectations and checklists, fear of vulnerability, Cool Girl syndrome run rampant, or something else entirely, I hope that we can all work to notice when we are placing ourselves on a pedestal and potential partners in the pit. I hope that we can work towards understanding that our own needs and the needs of our partners as equally valid. I personally hope to continue working on combatting my Cool Girl narratives which are keeping me from expressing my authentic self with partners. I hope that we can challenge this idea that we need to find perfection, and instead look for people who are willing to put in the hard work to co-create a life together. I think we can do it, do you?

References:

“Esther Perel: The #1 Secret to Know if your Chemistry Will Last and Why you’re Addicted to your Ex.” On Purpose, Jay Shetty, January 14, 2024. https://www.jayshetty.me/podcast/esther-perel-the-1-secret-to-know-if-your-chemistry-will-last-why-youre-addicted-to-your-ex

“Lori Gottlieb: How to Set and Keep Better Boundaries and Ways to Know if you are Settling in Relationships”.” On Purpose, Jay Shetty, August 28, 2023. https://www.jayshetty.me/podcast/lori-gottlieb-on-how-to-set-and-keep-better-boundaries-and-ways-to-know-if-youre-settling-in-relationships